(Reading time: 5 minutes)
In the first part, I talked about how our old Internal Blocking Structures (IBS) – traumas, programs, convictions, beliefs, emotions, feelings – turn justice into disguised cruelty – in the office, at home, and even in the line at the store.
Now we will continue further – toward the quieter, but even more painful forms of cruelty: the one that cuts empathy, turns the knife inward toward ourselves, and teaches us that love passes through shame and criticism.
Program: “If I feel compassion, I will become defenseless, so it is better to be cold.”
What it does:
It cuts empathy so we can “survive.” But without empathy, justice becomes dry mathematics – who is guilty by how much, how much must be returned to him. A person learns not to feel the pain in others, so they do not touch their own.
Manifestations:
– Denial of one’s own pain: “big deal, you get through it.”
– Intolerance toward “weakness” in others
– Cold, very logical, but painful decisions and remarks.
Example: The father and the crying teenager
Dimitar’s son comes home with a failed test, a red F, and tears in his eyes.
When cruelty speaks:
“You’re crying? If you had studied, you wouldn’t be whining. Now don’t complain to me, sit down and study, because life is much harder than this test. No one will feel sorry for you!”
Dimitar believes he is doing him a favor, because he is “raising him for reality.” In fact, he cuts the feelings and leaves him alone with the failure.
When justice speaks from love:
Dimitar is still not thrilled about the F. But first he meets the person, then the problem.
“I can see that you feel awful. Are you more angry, or more ashamed?”
The son mutters: “Everything…”.
“Okay. First, the F will not define who you are. But it says something about how you prepared. I want us to sit down and really see – how much you studied, how you study, where it is difficult for you. It is important to me that we understand what the problems are due to and find a solution.”
Justice here is not to “get away with it.” There are consequences, there is a conversation, there is responsibility. But they happen against the background of connection, not contempt.
Trauma: “I am defective, and when I fail, it is normal for people to treat me more cruelly”
What it does:
It turns cruelty inward – toward the self. The inner voice is like an evil coach: “pull yourself together, you piece of trash,” “you’re no good,” “when will you be normal.” And when a person lives with such inner cruelty for a long time, at some point it begins to spill outward too.
Manifestations:
– Perfectionism that cuts “living” flesh.
– Self-punishments – I leave myself in toxic situations and relationships, “because this much or this is what I deserve.”
– Demanding the same height from others: “if I suffer, you will suffer too.”
Example: The woman who misses a deadline
Nadya takes on a project with a deadline and misses it. Not out of laziness, but because too many things have piled up on her head.
When cruelty speaks inward:
“Of course you messed up again. What did you think, that this time it would turn out differently? Somehow everyone else manages, only you are chronically incapable. You should never have accepted the project at all”
After that, when the client reacts sharply, she does not even defend herself, because she accepts every attack as deserved.
When justice speaks from love toward herself:
Nadya allows herself honesty without a firing squad:
“Okay, I missed the deadline, that is a fact. That does not mean I am good for nothing! It means I planned badly. What can I do now?”
She writes to the client:
“I am two days late compared to our agreement. This is entirely my oversight. I suggest the following: … (specific solution/compensation). I understand if you decide not to work with me anymore, but I would like to show you the finished result.”
Here, justice is to take responsibility; love is not to psychologically kill yourself over a mistake.
Conviction: “When they love you, they correct you, and correction passes through criticism and shame”
What it does:
This is the family classic. The child learns that the loving person has the right to hurt you “so that you become a person.” Then they grow up and do the same – out of love, of course.
Manifestations:
– “Your mother tells you this because she loves you” – in the tone of a military court.
– Partnerships in which “clearing things up” are actually mutual humiliation.
– The impossibility of believing that love can go together with tenderness and respect.
Example: The mother and the daughter’s clothes
A teenage girl appears for dinner in a rather bold blouse. The mother boils over – fear, worry, her own traumas from being judged.
When cruelty speaks:
“You’re going out like that?! What exactly do you want to look like? Don’t you have a drop of shame, how long will you keep embarrassing us? What will people say when they see you, they will think that…”
The words cut not the clothing, but the child’s identity. “You are shame.”
When justice speaks from love:
The same scene. The mother feels the lump in her throat, but translates it into human language:
“Okay, honestly, this blouse scares me. I am worried about how people will look at you and what stories they will write in their heads. I want us to talk about how you feel in these clothes and what boundaries are important for both of us. Can we sit down for 10 minutes before you go out?”
She still has a right to her boundaries; she is the parent. The difference is that she speaks about the behavior and about her own fears, not about the child’s worth.
Belief: “In one situation, there is no way for both of us to be well – either I win, or you do.”
What it does:
It turns every argument into a battle for survival. It makes the world zeroes and ones. There is no room for solutions in which both people save face; there is a winner and a loser. Justice becomes a match and it is important that you do not remain the loser; what matters is who will “come out on top.”
Manifestations:
– Arguments turn into battles of rightness, not a search for a solution.
– Fear of being “screwed over,” and for this reason you often screw the other person over first.
– A sense that every concession is capitulation.
Example: The two of them and the weekend
Partners deciding where to spend the weekend. He wants a weekend with friends in the mountains; she wants time for just the two of them together, because all week they have barely crossed paths.
When cruelty speaks:
– So your friends are more important again. – she says. – That’s clear.
– Yes, because they don’t hang on me constantly. – he replies.
From there follow labels, blows below the belt, the old wounds come alive. There is no search for a solution; there is a search for victory.
When justice speaks from love:
The same conflict, but both of them try not to cut, but to translate their needs:
He: “I need to switch my head off and laugh with the guys; I haven’t done it in months.”
She: “I need to feel that we are a team, not roommates. This week we have not really been together at all. But I want both of us to feel good, so let’s discuss how to make it happen”
From there, a solution can be sought: one day he is with friends, one day the two of them are together; or this weekend is for him, the next one, planned for the two of them.
Justice here is not “who will prevail,” but “how not to lose the connection.”
These IBS do not live only in the “bad” people. They also live in the nicest people, who sometimes say: “I don’t know how I lose my temper like that and then regret it.”
This is the key – Cruelty is usually old pain that does not know how to come out in any other way.
How to protect the truth without hurting
Actually, we often feel that we are speaking from a wound, but we have no idea how else to protect our truth. These are my points of support, which I use not as a “technique,” but as a direction:
1. The difference between fact and sentence.
Justice works with facts. Cruelty sticks on labels.
Fact: “You were late three times this week, and that delayed the team.”
Sentence: “You are irresponsible and you don’t care about anyone.”
2. Tone is half the truth.
This is extremely important and often overlooked. I can say “No” in a hundred ways, and each time it will sound different, depending on the emotions and feelings pushing from within.
If there is contempt inside me, it will come out through a pause, a look, a remark.
If inside there is “I want us to put things in order, not humiliate you,” that is also felt.
3. A pause before the sentence.
I ask myself one simple question:
“Right now, do I want to punish, or to put things in order?”
If the honest answer is “to punish,” it is better to stay silent for a minute than to throw words I will later carry like stones.
4. We speak about the behavior, not the worth.
“What you did hurt me.” is different from “You are a disappointment.”
The first opens a door for change, but the second closes the person.
5. A right to a boundary, without a right to humiliation.
I can say: “I do not want you to speak to me like that, I am ending the conversation.” and that is fair protection.
It is one thing to leave a conversation, another to slam the door with “you are a sick mind and you are good for nothing.”
Cruelty does not disappear with slogans. It melts when we begin to see our old IBS and name them:
“Here it is, I again believe that without punishment there is no lesson.”
“Here is my old need to attack first, so I will not be the victim.”
Justice from love does not mean being soft, agreeable, and toothless. It means protecting both ourselves and the other. Saying “No” clearly, but without cutting what is most precious for everyone: dignity.
And when we mess up (because at some point it will happen – it is human to make mistakes) – the fairest thing is to begin with: “I’m sorry for the way I said it. The meaning remains, but my tone was not okay.” – we are not apologizing for what we said, but for the form in which we “served” it.
This is the kind of justice after which no taste of iron remains in the mouth, but a sense that we have gone through a difficult conversation, yet both of us have remained human – not winners and losers.
“Quest to Self” – Q2S is an original method for inner transformation. It is not about an “artistic path,” but about a system with a clear structure, verifiable steps, and practical actions that lead to lasting change, not temporary inspiration. Through Q2S, a person releases blocked energy and accumulated inner reactions in the subconscious, restores their nervous system, and begins to create their reality consciously. If this touches you, you can explore how the process works in the section “Quest to Self – Q2S”.