The world has changed a lot; it no longer has edges. Everything spills everywhere. Work enters the home, social networks – our sleep. AI locks our creativity, and other people’s moods settle into our body. We breathe in the world like smoke whose origin we do not know.
And if before the personal boundary was ‘do not touch this’ or ‘do not tell me that’, today it is something much more subtle, deep, and often – invisible. Because it is not only about words and actions, but about energy, presence, and inner direction.
Where do I end and where do you begin?
I was in the kitchen making coffee. I received a message from a friend – worried, confused, in panic. Without realizing it, I suddenly stood in front of the machine with heaviness in my chest, palpitations, my hands slightly trembling. Her state had already become mine.
I had not hugged her, I had not seen her; I was simply reading words on the screen and I disappeared from myself.
This is a loss of boundary.
The boundary is not a wall, but a living membrane.
The old idea: a person with firm boundaries is someone who says ‘no’ – cuts things off and protects themselves.
The new idea: a person with living boundaries is someone who knows when to open, when to receive, when to withdraw. There is no fear, but awareness. The boundary is not a wall, but a membrane that breathes.
Example: When work enters the bedroom
Has it happened to you to go to bed and think about an email you have not sent? Or to check a message from a colleague at 23:41? I often did it. Until the moment when I woke up one Saturday and realized that I did not have a single thought that was not connected to projects and deadlines.
Do not think that a boss or client had required it; I had simply left the door open.
Then I began putting up invisible signs for myself:
– After 19:30 the computer is not opened.
– Saturday and Sunday before noon – no tasks.
– If something is not urgent for health and life, then it can wait.
Example: When someone loves you suffocatingly
My mother calls like clockwork every morning around 8 – 8:05. If I do not answer, I receive three messages. If I explain to her, ‘I cannot talk right now,’ she gets offended because she did not feel connected to me.
One evening I told her: ‘Mom, I want us to hear from each other, but I want to feel that we are doing it because we both want it, not out of obligation. Send one message on Viber asking whether it is convenient to talk, and if I can, I will call you.’
It was difficult. She got offended and was silent with me for two days – not a word, not a cry, not a moan. But I knew that if I called, after that I would be manipulated even more strongly. Then she sent me a message with a smile and: ‘Good morning. Today I am quieter, but with you.’
The boundary here was love + clarity.
Example: When children pass through you
My daughter is 12. She loves sharing. It is as if everything that happens to her has to be passed on to me. Sometimes she spends 50 minutes telling me how someone looked at her in the corridor and what they were wearing. If I slip out of the conversation, she feels betrayed.
One day I told her: ‘I love listening to you. But I also need silence and time for myself. Can you tell me the most important thing, and the rest – write it in a notebook and I will read it in the evening?’
She surprised me by saying: ‘Yes, yes, I will make a diary for Mom.’
This is a boundary that includes, not excludes.
Five inner habits for building living boundaries
1. Observe your body
Does it tighten, become burdened, hurry without reason? This is often a sign that foreign content has entered inside.
2. Ask yourself the question: ‘Is this mine?’
A thought, anxiety, excitement – before you accept them, check: do they come from you, or have you taken them on from someone else?
3. Create your own rituals for centering
A walk without a phone. 5 minutes of silence. Writing down sensations. These are ways to return to yourself.
4. Name your needs in time
Do not wait until you explode. Say it, share without expectation of understanding: ‘I need rest,’ ‘I want silence,’ ‘I cannot take on more right now.’
5. Review at the end of the day: ‘Where did I step out of myself?’
As a review, without guilt. And, if there is some mistake, on the next day make a small correction.
Having boundaries in a world without boundaries is not selfishness. It is love for oneself that creates space for others too.
When you are whole, you can connect. When you protect yourself, you can love more deeply. And when you are within yourself, the world outside is not a threat, but a space for meeting.
The boundary is not ‘I do not want you’, but ‘I want to remain myself, so that I can be truly with you’